Just be...and let them be

Wednesday 26th Aug 2009

My daughter has been feeling less than happy of late and is choosing to work through it on her own after a particular difficult day I wrote this.

Jade had left when I got home the light was on in the front room and thought she was in. There were dishes in the sink, the hair stuff was where it was left after doing her hair, and there were cups in the front room. As I walked around my mind started to go to how things were today.

Jade barely spoke to me, when she had to I could not hear what she was saying as she was choosing to speak to quietly, it frustrated me but I said nothing, the more I said I could not hear her the quieter she got until she said it did not matter what she was saying.

Facebook update
The familiar call of 'join me in my pain' came today I chose not to respond in my usual way that disregards the persons right to their feelings and my thinking I know best. I let them to be where they chose to be and I did what was best for me...it was not easy

I was worried as it seemed as though she was still there or she left in a hurry
I txt her and told her how I felt and as I typed 'it's hard being your parent from a distance' I realised that I am not carrying out the role the way that I think I should or even want to. I am trying to be the mother I never had, one that was always there to listen, knew when something was up and had arms ready and open to fall into...it hurts that Jade does not want this.

Again I am at that place where I want to be needed, wanted, I want Jade to want to talk to me and she does not, I want her to want me to hold her and she dose not. I see myself in her and in seeing myself in her I want her to want the things I wanted and she does not. It hurts to feel you are not wanted and it makes me want to feel wanted by the very thing that I feel rejected by (I have been here before a pattern repeats itself) I am going to try and be cool and release what I want

It's funny how we want what we want and ignore what the person we want stuff from gives us as, they give us all that they can in any moment in time.

I realise that though my love may not have conditions it has expectations and I am releasing those conditions to the Universe.

This turn of events produced the following updates on facebook.

I am really feeling it today...so glad to be aware and brave enough to say how I feel.

Trying to hold on to something the way you want it to be is really no point...the more you do so, more what you want eludes you...let it go with love and allow it be all that it is, the release of the tears that come with that are healing. It's sometimes hard to be someone's mummy.

In the accepting it's hard to be someone's mummy, my love and respect goes out to my own...and all the other mummy's.

Saturday 29th Aug 2009

Jade was home we had a small amount of time to talk, she was much more responsive and felt open to me, so I asked if I could give her a hug she refused and I felt hurt. She said sorry and I in an immediate response said it was OK; then I was truthful and said that it was not OK but I would deal with it. Although I was hurt my truth made me feel strong and the pain dispersed and dissolved, in the very action of this I realised I was very proud of Jade for choosing to say no to a hug from me as it was not what she really wanted to do. After all she wants what she wants just like me...it maybe hard 5% of the time to be her mum however I love the fact that she is my daughter and I am proud she chose me.

Facebook update
I am learning to respect that which I am, in respect to that which you are...I love you

Much Love
Claudia xxx