In the sickroom with a broken heart ...

Sunday ... Waiting patiently in hospital.

Have "plugged" myself into the Gregorain nuns &
floated on their heavenly voices. Focusing on
Calm.

This week's events have created more healing for
Nick & I while I have been here.

In my heart I know & have always known I love Nick.
Listen to your heart, the Angels would say last year...
So many different people giving their
interpretations of guidance... All I heard was "listen to
your heart" For me... all I found there was love, "a love
like starlight that never dies."

But the "inner" has to reflect the "outer".
I asked the Angels to bless me with a love that was a
vibrational match to my own & did not
impatiently "wait" or check upon that seed's growth,
for waiting implies there was no patience. I had given
Nick an "opportunity to "match" that love through my
prayer or for "another" love to enter my life. My focus
was not on relationships or entering one, missing one
or not being content in my new space, I was relishing
in my space to grow, to get to know" me" on new
deeper leaves & at last reach that stillness that held
within & around me consistently simply because I was
stronger now in my truth & "self."

I see from December it has no longer been about my
journey but OURS. I had to become an independent
tree through all its seasons before I could be with
another "tree."... that tree too had new roots to grow,
new heights for its branches to reach.

It was also in December when I "surrendered"
my "need" for control & with greater heights of trust &
faith simply immersed my whole being into & with the
flow of life, carrying me on its beat to where I am &
where I am going.

When Nick left last March that "contract" was over, I
saw later on in the year, a "past life" pain body
belonging to me get up, leave my energy & return to
the past where she belonged ...healed. My heart
sang for I knew I could "choose" Nick rather than
being with him not simply for love but karma
too.

I choose him again for my heart told me so...
The Angels showed me that Nick & I were on separate
paths, for some reason 2 years was very clear, not
that I believe the future is set in stone. Our paths
would re- unite. We just had separate growing to
do.

I fully appreciate now, how important this is in
relationships, to keep our individuality as "one" yet to
be "one" together too. My brother used to stay to me,
that in relationships we are to be two tree's, with
individual roots, yet for our branches to reach into the
Heaves & entwine.

"I'll never be only a wife, Will. And you will never be
only a husband. We face each other but we face
oursleves as well".
"Meaning."
"We both have something else of our won that we
have to do besides love each other. If we don't
arrange our lives with that in mind..." taken from
That is all by Aidan Chambers.

Too often in a relationship we loose our identity, we
loose sight of who we are & therefore our purpose. In
storms our focus can be so absorbed on the
relationship, there is no energy for our focus to be
anywhere but. Without space, distance, there is no
clarity, no room to grow or for patterns to break.
Round & round we go, different day, same
conversation, same "problem." No solution, No
ending, no movement. Just frustration, unhappiness.
Stunted growth.

"When you love something you set it free, if it
comes back to you, it is yours."

Cheesy but wise words.

We cling on in fear - what of?? Being alone, being
unloved - new, change, lack of insecurity... but only
we as an individual can have these within ourselves
before we can have then with another. Security being
tip top of the list.
What is worse? To stay in an endless whirlpool of
tangled emotions only, occasionally seeing the light
only to be dragged under again Or to sit out alone on
the river bank for a while, rest, let life flow by.

Sometimes in relationships we become so stuck that
the only way is to break free... how this is handled
depends on whether the "outcome" unfolds or
is "controlled" through bitterness, rejection, anger.


I remember last March when I was full of pain in my
heart for I did not know what to do with my love for
Nick, the Angels saying to me that that is how it is
meant to be .. to separate with love for anything "lower"
ie anger, hate would not be my truth for I am as are
you - love. And anything lower would not mean
resolution.

Of course in the beginning days when it was all new,
that love hurt ... I remember Sunnie coming home
from school saying how her friend Ruby had been in
the sickroom that day with a broken heart ... I felt "light"
in Sunnie's words. Love does hurt but would we have
it any other way. When we consciously begin our
journey of "I am" can it be any other way.

No, it cannot. We have recognized ourselves as love
& so the Universe weeds out from our life all that is
not -We cry why? The Angels reply you are love
& we love you ...