I have had old childhood boyfriends coming out of the woodwork and reminding me I was always in love with some boy (probably more like crush) and would end up sending him a love letter only for the said object of my affection to then stop speaking to me. I did though always fall in love again and repeat my love letter sending. I have never and will never give up on love it's a wonderful thing and it makes my heart sing.
Issues with my dad came up which I never even knew I had (I only ever thought I had issues with my mum) which prompted me to write this ' How is it I am aware of Gods unconditional love for me and I am unaware of my fathers, or is it just that in a similar way that although I am aware of Gods love there are times when I don't feel like I am loved' I seemed somehow to have separated myself from my father and forgotten that at the level of the soul we are one he has God within as do I. I seek from my father recognition and approval not for anything in particular but just because...
I have also had the opportunity through attending a 'Love Dinner' to meet some lovely men who I am able feel comfortable with and can enjoy their lovely energy have fun be playful and not want anything more but to talk and find out about them. It feels great to know that I do not have to behave in a certain way and do anything, I can be me in all my unique playfulness and I find I am not bothered by what they want from me as I decide what happens in my life no-one else and it's important that I feel good and I appreciate that more and more.
On Thursday I was given a gift, an encounter with my daughters father, he is someone that has found it hard to communicate and have contact with either of us which has meant that at times he has walked past his daughter and I on a number of occasions. On Thursday I walked past as he come out of his house, as I looked at him he acknowledged me and said hello, I said hello back and then preceded to look to the sky when I reached the top of the road and ask what the purpose of this situation was, I was told to ask him how he was, I promptly said I didn't have time for that as I was busy and was told if not now when. I agreed that if I reached a particular point in the road and he was there, I would speak to him.
After changing the goal post to try and get out of it I got to the gate turned around and saw him just turning the corner slowly, I carried on walking and after a few more naughty conversations with God and the Angels, I turned with huge sigh and approached him, he looked like he was going to turn the corner to avoid me something that he has done before, but he didn't. When I reached him, I didn't ask him how he was straight off; I put him on the spot with my first question and my voice shook with emotion and I struggled to control the tears that began to fill my eyes.
We spoke for 30 mins as we walked along the street, it was an amazing conversation as each word he spoke held truth and feeling I had never heard from him before his words have in the past been empty and defensive, but it was not the case this time. I listened while he apologised for his behaviour to his daughter and me, while he told me how he is learning who he is and how he has been afraid not really knowing of what but now realising the only thing he was afraid of was himself. I found myself appreciating him talking to me and told him so. A lot was said, mainly by him, I told him how his behaviour has made Jade feel and he apologised. As I got closer to my destination I found myself thinking that I was going to ask him if I could give him a hug, when I turned towards him he hugged me instead. As we hugged I felt love for him that was obviously always there but somehow I felt afraid to connect with, for fear of being hurt and rejected all over again. During the embrace I could feel my heart gently ache with forgiveness and acceptance, at first I thought my heart felt like it was going to explode with the emotion, I was told no there was no exploding happening just expansion of my heart. The emotion of the day was immense I cried lots and I believe there are more tears to come the tears are tears of joy with a bit of sadness. I am feeling good though a little drained and I am amazed and appreciative at the encounter. Later I realised that the emotion that was in my voice when I 1st spoke to Jades father was coming from a place of fear as I was afraid that he would walk away, the more I listened the I found I could respond from a place of love, my words were clear, strong and peaceful.
I realise I am going through a huge transition period as there is lots happening and more and more fabulous people entering my life to join the ones that are already there.
Much Love Claudia xxx
Monthly Affirmation
My heart is filled with joy and it makes my eyes sparkle.
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